Have You Played Today?

This is how I ran the San Diego Marathon. The entire time.

Recently at my Entrepreneur’s Organization forum meeting, my forum completed an exercise called “What are your values?”.

• Everyone shares in creating a master list of possible values.
• Individuals select their top 10 values that are most important to them.
• Individuals then remove the 3 least important, leaving them with 7.
• Individuals then remove the 3 least important, leaving them with 4.
• Individuals then remove the 2 least important, leaving them with only 2.

We then went around and discussed if these two remaining values, which we declared were our individual most important values, were reflected in each of our lives. Do we make time for them on our calendar? Do we fund them with our money? Would others agree that we uphold and represent these values daily?

My Two Most Important Values

My two most important values, in order of importance: #2. Curiosity; #1 Joyfulness.

Curiosity, to me, is the value of being interested enough in the world around you as to explore, learn, and investigate it.. It is the never-ending questioning of ideas, and open-mindedness to accept that your prior conclusion was incorrect. It is how I try to go out and engage the world everyday.

Joyfulness, to me, is the value of finding the humor, levity, and happiness in all aspects of life. It is the acceptance of, and comfort in, the knowledge that we are so very insignificant; that nothing is to be taken too seriously, not even death (or taxes). It is how I choose to perceive the world and all the things it thrusts upon me.

Today, I realized that these two things that are the core tenets of the concept of play.

In psychology and ethology, play is a range of voluntary, intrinsically motivated activities normally associated with recreational pleasure and enjoyment. Play is most commonly associated with children and their juvenile-level activities, but play can also be a useful adult activity, and occurs among other higher-functioning animals as well.

The concept of play is easy to understand for children; it is even expected. But the only type of play adults seem to be allowed is the perverse type (not that that isn’t enjoyable!). What about humor, games, roughhousing, flirtation and make-believe fantasy?

Research is that animals on the lower strata of their hierarchy of needs — that is stressed and starving animals — generally do not play.

Which brings us to the photo that started this post. Recently I completed my first marathon — the 2013 Rock ‘n’ Roll San Diego Marathon. Even though it was probably one of the most uncomfortable, tiring experiences of my life, I always tried to introduce play into it. Even during my many hours and miles training, I kept my mind focused on finding puns and jokes in the conversations around me. And for the race, to the suggestion of my wife, I was able to uphold my values of Curiosity and Joyfulness in full power as TuTu Much — the sidekick to the Purple Phantom (n.b., my superhero also shares the #2 value of Curiosity).

Have you played today?

Play Inspiration

A pioneer in research on play, Dr. Stuart Brown says humor, games, roughhousing, flirtation and fantasy are more than just fun. Plenty of play in childhood makes for happy, smart adults — and keeping it up can make us smarter at any age.

Stuart Brown’s research shows play is not just joyful and energizing — it’s deeply involved with human development and intelligence. Through the National Institute for Play, he’s working to better understand its significance

I Ran My First Marathon

The Purple Phantom and TuTu Much pose pre-marathon.

When I first started training for my first (and only to date) olympic distance-ish triathlon in 2007 — I remember thinking how absolutely idiotic it was to even consider running a half marathon. This made sense as this triathlon event only required 8km of running, or just a little over 5 miles. The most I had ever run before in a single day was 8 miles, and that was when I was fresh out of college in tip-top shape, or at least my best impersonation of said shape. Running a half-marathon, or 13.1 miles, was quite the stretch.

And then in November 2011 I finished my first half marathon — the inaugural Savannah Half Marathon. Even though it was over a year and a half ago, I vividly remember the pain and discomforts of all sorts (note: do not change your race-day feeding plan on a whim, especially with cytomax). Toward the end of the race, I recall there being a ramp-off for the marathoners to go on with their, in effect, second half-marathon. I thought they were absolute idiots. Sure, I would go on to run in 5 more half-marathons over the next 19 months, but a half-marathon was “manageable”; a marathon? Manic.

And then this past week I finished my first marathon. In other words — I became one of those idiots.

If it helps, I’m far from a hardcore idiot. My embarrassing finish time of 6:29:57 was in the bottom 4% of marathon finishers — 6249 out of 6494 (and that’s rounding up). So yeah, I am one of those idiots, but at least I’m a not a manic idiot. Those are the worst.

Race Day Recap

My wife sent me an article on analyzing my race performance as a learning tool for future races. Apparently she knows me well enough that I’m so unsatisfied with my time that I’m going to try again (in due time; I had 5:30:00 as my goal). So let’s start analyzing. I want to focus on the experience itself — the feelings (pain) and emotions (sadness) that encompassed the event.

The race started early, if one were to define a 4:00 AM wake-up early. We were told by others that this early rise shouldn’t be a problem, as this was the west coast and we were still on east coast time, which would put us at a 7:00 AM wake-up really. These were, sadly, lies. What is important to remember is that the night prior to running a marathon, you will not be able to sleep. Your body knows what you are about to do to it, so it goes all pre-emptive on you.

I was admittedly concerned about the race-day weather. I have had too many lost battles with heat (e.g., passing out in gym locker rooms). While the ideal running temperature for many is 56 or so, I prefer it to be in the upper 40s. San Diego weathermen predicted a cool low 70s, which mathematically speaking is slightly higher than the ideal upper 40s. Ultimately, I was fortunate — low to mid 60s with cloud coverage the entire race. I didn’t even need to wear sunscreen, which I forgot to apply in my 4:00AM morning fog.

At 6:15AM, we were off. By 8:30AM, the first marathoner would cross the finish line. I, however, would take much, much longer. Maybe it was the zydeco dancing my wife and I did around mile 5, or the rave dancing we did in the tunnel complete with colored lights and techno music. Whatever the cause, despite feeling like the first 11 miles just flew by at their on-target 12:30 min/mile pace, by mile 14 my body and mind abruptly gave in — I had to start walking.

Now, bear in mind that I’ve seen far more miles in my training — 18 and 20 — and I didn’t *need* to walk. But on this day — the day I would aim for 26.2 miles — my legs decided to check out after less than 3 hours of running. I would be more accurate to say I shuffled a marathon than ran one.

While the first half of the marathon was all running glee and happiness, the next 3 and half hours were miserable. Ugh, just typing that makes me feel bad — 3 and half hours of walking after running 3 hours.

Granted, it was a fast walk — 16:00 min/mile average. And to be positive, the weather was enjoyable enough, I stayed properly lubed, my Larabars were a godsend in keeping me out of to porto-potties, I partook in some quite delicious salt packs, and drank a lot of refreshingly lukewarm water. I don’t, however, ever want to see a watermelon-flavored sports jelly bean ever again in my life. They are dead to me.

I’m not going to lie — realizing that I only had enough strength in me to walk for the next 12 miles was terrifying. I did the math, I knew what it meant. When I got to the 1.5 mile hill that started on mile 20 my heart sank as did my my pace; it was reduced to 17:52 for that mile.

But on the last mile, the Team in Training mentors all joined me and my wife to finish slaying this marathon beast. My pace picked up to at what the time felt like a sprint, but was later to be revealed as a mere 13:000 min/mile.

I finished a marathon.

After The Race

After the race as friends congratulated each other, I wobbled around drinking 12 ounces of Jambajuice (*awesome*) and snacking on two small bags of Cheetos — it’s the small things, folks. I limbed back a mile to the hotel and enjoyed one of the most pleasurable showers in history. After, a big group of the Team in Training folks walked another mile to Fred’s Mexican Cafe. I enjoyed cheese dip and a carne asado for the first time in, oh, 10 months — it was delicious. Some of us imbibed way too many subpar dirty-water looking margaritas. It made the walk back tolerable, however.

The next day we walked a mile to a brunch at Cafe 21 that, ultimately, took 3 hours. I enjoyed a rosemary lamb sandwich with mozzarella that left me with heartburn for the rest of the day. But it didn’t matter — we were still giddy, basking in the sweet post-run glow of endorphins that flowed through us. That afternoon we walked 2 more miles (enough with the walking already!) to Coronado Beach, where over the roaring waves of fighter jets landing in the nearby military airport, we played Cards Against Humanity. We finished that evening off with an early dinner at Leroy’s Lounge where I consumed more fried food in one day than one should consume in one week. By tequila margarita two, this marathoner was ready to cab it home and call it a night.

Last Week to be a Hero

This is the last week to donate to fight blood cancers, support our first/last marathon, and win a chance at 1 of 6 raffle prizes. Talk about getting a lot of mileage out of your donation!

Here’s how we’ll do the raffle:

• $120 LEVEL = MacAir laptop — the first 30 people to donate $120 will get a shot at winning a bee-yoo-tiful and lightweight computer. (It is lightly used and is in Lexus-certified pre-owned condition.) If you donated $120 but don’t win the MacAir — even at those insanely awesome odds — we’ll enter you into the iPad 3 raffle. Mind = blown.
• $60 LEVEL = iPad 3 — the first 50 people to donate $60 will have a chance to win this prize. (It is lightly used but in tip top condition). If you don’t win the iPad 3 raffle (this includes donors at $120 level, too), we’ll automatically enter you into each of the four $100 Amazon.com giftcard raffles below.
• $30 LEVEL = Four $100 Amazon giftcards — the first 60 people that donate $30 will get four chances at winning free money to the most comprehensive online store ever! We will draw four times — once for each of the four $100 Amazon giftcards.

Note that once you’ve won a prize, we take your name out of any further drawings. That’s why we’ll start with the drawing for the biggest prize first. Also, donations to either Jessica or David count — we look at your total donations to either or both of us. For example, if you gave me $60 on March 1st and David $60 on April 1st, you are entered into the drawings at the $120 level. You can almost taste that sweet Apple, huh?

Have you already donated $25? If you donate $5 more you will get you a $30 raffle ticket!

But you only have one final week to donate! After we complete the June 2nd marathon — it might take a few hours! — the raffle will be closed and the winners will be drawn.

Good luck!

Wall of Heroes

A big thank you to all our heroes — you have our gratitude and adoration!

• Christian Dodder
• Mary Duncan
• Janette Pratt
• Laszlo Felfoldi
• Donna Rosenmayer
• The Antons
• tephanie Zech
• Devin Albert
• Sora Kim
• Emily Dodd
• Esther Smith
• Phillip Barlow
• Anyeley Hallova
• Denise & David Pugh
• Jerry Liu
• Martin Ellin
• Hollie Bredlow
• Kevin Spears
• Carol Ramirez
• Kurt Martin
• Tiff Lawrence
• Regan Chorlong
• Cindy Dennis
• Brandon Kaylor
• Nicole Locklear
• Jason Rhoades
• Jim Gilfillan
• Ed and Michelle Hetherington
• Jess Ward
• Rusty & Lindy Parker
• Ana Felfoldi
• Matthew Krivanek
• Erin Leymann
• John Nelson
• Courtney Brandt
• Jennifer Smith
• Christine Teo
• Jennifer Castleberry
• Marcy Carrel
• Carlos Felfoldi
• Julie Ohnstad
• Shawn Gorrell
• Christina Hamby
• Mayre Kile
• Susan Goico
• Sarah Mancini
• Cindy Chingo
• Rhani Lott
• Ami Koldhekar
• George Lee
• Bill & Bobette Webb
• Kim Johnson
• Janene Sullivan
• Bob & Sandy Kadrie
• Saadia Memon
• Kristen Tullos
• Deborah Johnson
• Megan Pulst
• Toni Pastore
• Deb Floyd
• Carla Bossman
• Lisa Wolff
• Amy Jensen
• Katie Olliff
• Norman Patry
• Talley Wells
• Christina Wall
• Jacqueline Bullard
• Stacy Reynolds

When faced with months to live, what would you do?

Zach Sobiech, at the age of 14, found out he had a rare form of terminal cancer. Since, he has touched millions with his music. Yesterday, on May 20, 2013, he passed away.

Here is his story (20 minute video).

My wife and I are running our first (and very likely last!) marathon in just a handful of days. Last week my wife and I ran 20 miles together. This feat was only possible thanks to the amazing support of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s Team in Training volunteers. In exchange for their support on our training runs, we are fundraising a combined $6,000 to help fight cancers of the blood.

Throughout the past months of marathon training, my focus has been on the challenge before me. Honestly, I haven’t paid much attention to the cause of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society; not because it wasn’t important, but because I felt overwhelmed by the number of causes I fundraise and support.

• National Multiple Sclerosis Society
• Young Survivors Coalition (breast cancer)
• Cystic Fibrosis Foundation

Over the past decade I have biked for a number of causes. Most of you know this because you have probably already donated once or twice (or more!) in support — thank you!

I’ve become sorta “numb” to this cause because, no matter how noble, it seemed like just another cause. But here’s when it hit me — leukemia causes more deaths than any other cancer among children, adolescents and young adults under the age of 20.

Imagine being a parent and having your kid diagnosed with cancer. Odds are, it will be leukemia.

Don’t have kids? Imagine being a kid, diagnosed with cancer. Odds are, it will be leukemia.

What do you do when, as one of those kids, you only have months left to live?”

Zach’s response: embrace every day with joy.

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society’s mission is to cure leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families. And a lot of progress is being made. In 1960s, the 5-year survival rate of the most common type of childhood cancer, acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL) was less than 10%. Today, it is 90%.

A large part of that progress is from those who donate to support the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Those donations go far — 75% of their total expenses support cancer research, education, advocacy and patient services. This exceptional percentage is made possible by all the tens of thousands that volunteer their time and energy.

I am directly affected by these volunteers every training run — not only do they man the water stops every few miles, but they are out there running next to me every Wednesday and Saturday — and sometimes even picking me up and giving me a ride in their van when my body fails me with an injury at mile 12 (thanks Bruce!).

Jessica and I are $1,000 short of our $6,000 goal, which we have to raise in a few more days. True, your donation may result in you winning one of six prize raffles. And true, your donation will help me afford the training necessary to get my fat, heavy body across 26.2 miles. But more importantly, your donation will make a difference in someone’s life affected by blood cancer.

Please donate.

Officiating My First Wedding

In late April 2007 I posted “You May Now Call Me Reverend Felfoldi“. I ended it cheekily with “I’m available for weddings”.

This past weekend — just over 6 years later — I officiated my first wedding. It had an interesting affect on me, which I’m still trying to formulate. Hence, this atypical non-marathon Ruminations from a Redhead post.

First, let me get this out of the way — this post isn’t going to be about why I got my ordination online from Universal Life Church. This is the first question nearly everyone has asked me — how / where did you get your ordination? — and too often between their snickers (and not the sweet, chocolate-ly kind). Rather, I’m going to talk about what it was like officiating my first wedding, a curious rarity about which I’d think more people would be more interested.

One more thing before we begin — if you are researching for information on officiating your first wedding, skip to the bottom of this post for the entire secular wedding script I assembled. Enjoy.

Preparing for my First Wedding (Officiation)

When my friends asked me in November to officiate their May wedding 6 months later, I quickly started the research process. What was the common wedding format? What would I say? What should type of robe should I wear?! Ultimately, I relied on several key sources of information, without which I’m not sure how I could have prepared for the wedding.

• Tradition.
• The Internet.
• My own personal wedding experience.

I don’t have any particular sources to refer you for the list above; half the experience, honestly, is searching and reading other’s stories. Instead, find a general format you like and spend the rest of the time talking to the bride and groom to better understand their unique needs and preferences.

In total, I had three Skype videoconferences with the Bride and Groom, which supplemented a good number of clarifying emails. Each of these exploratory discussions were fascinating to me. I assumed that the couple would have already figured everything out, that I was simply going to repeat some words from a script revised and refined over decades of wedding ceremonies. By the time many of us reach our late 20′s and early 30′s, we are beginning to memorize some of the Biblical scripture wedding readings like a Now That’s Music Greatest Hits album. But I’m too curious to get away with that. Often the answer to my questions were “That’s a good question; we hadn’t talked about that yet.” Curiosity victory!

And then they would start to talk about it right there, awkward-turtle style.

Perhaps it was voyeuristic of me, but it was fascinating to watch the couple work through these questions together in front of me. It reminded me of my discussions with my bride as we navigated our own wedding planning; I became a bit nostalgic of our Thursday night El Azteca mexican food wedding planning dates.

That being said, ritual and tradition has a place; I made sure that every wedding planning session included the traditional glass of red wine. There is something to be said about adhering to time-tested ritual during important life events. Don’t know what to say about something you have little business in providing advice? Refer to what others have said for decades, perhaps centuries! Traditions were so important to call upon that I even referred to them in the first few lines of the ceremony:

We are gathered here today to participate in a ritual tradition practiced in nearly every culture and creed throughout humanity – albeit in many forms and permutations — the formal declaration and celebration of marriage.

OK, so maybe I was mocking ritual a bit there. Truly, I did turn to rituals, both Christian and Buddhist, to inspire the ceremony. But here is the dirty little secret of rituals (opposed to the very different category of “dirty little secret rituals”) — you don’t have to follow any one exactly. Instead, mix it up, and make the ceremony fit the bride and groom’s personality and wishes.

• Ask them what they want to be in, and not be in, the ceremony? Is/was there a loved one they wish to include or respect? In my case, the groom had a family member they wished to remember and honor.
• What diction are they comfortable with — God(s), Spirit, Being, Power? It was surprisingly difficult to craft a ceremony that made no mention of any spirituality; there weren’t many templates from which to start. Instead, I focused on the themes of “impermanence”, “journey”, and “infinite”.
• What is their story? Working the bride and groom’s story into the ceremony is a satisfying way to stamp their names on the ceremony and ensure it is truly their own. How did they meet? Do they have shared experiences or interests that others know well, and to which you can allude? Because the three-pointer shot of any wedding ceremony is the nervous giggle from a groom and bashful blush of the bride.

Final Thoughts on Officiating a Wedding

So am I a changed man? More so than I thought, but not when, and how, I thought it would.

I read through the ceremony numerous times. I practiced it out loud for my wife (who gave excellent feedback!). Honestly, during the entire process it felt like I was preparing for one of the many plays I acted in decades ago in high school, practicing my pacing, posture, and positioning.

But it was when I finally stood in front of the bride and groom’s family and friends, with the groom to my left and the father walking the bride down the aisle that it hit me — I had been entrusted to serve as the spokesperson for this critical life event. I was their guide; not a spiritual guide, but rather a ritual guide. I was their trusted steward to ensure they made it through this day in one piece.

I was their sherpa.

Ok, so maybe you are thinking I should have realized this way earlier; fair enough. But as I started the ceremony, the words gained absolute heft. The bride and groom looked at me, their eyes dilated with excitement, their knowing looks to each other felt palpable in their proximity. And there I stood – repeating their carefully selected words to their friends and family.

I was the first sound to come forth from the new voice they were just creating. I was the key confidante in this new, cherished creation.

After the ceremony, I felt…good. I don’t know, maybe it was the endorphins from the 18 miles ran earlier that day (that’s a whole other story), but the rest of the evening I felt this immensely fulfilling peace. I had loaned my talents to my friends and they were put to positive use; I was helpful, useful. I felt connected; not necessarily to my friends, but to our shared journey in life.

It wasn’t until the drive back in talking with my wife that it hit me — the ceremony didn’t place any responsibility on some higher power or spirit. There was no quote or word referencing anyone else other than the bride and groom.

Rather, the responsibility of their marital success lay solely on them and their commitment to each other.

Think about that — there is no where for them to hide. If this is going to work, they have to rely on each other. These newlyweds had the effrontery to look the madness of marriage straight in the eyes and courageously say — “bring it”.

That type of gall — that’s just awesome to behold and be part of, and it will change you, indeed.

Secular Wedding Script

You are welcome to use any aspect of the wedding script I developed, which was borrowed heavily from numerous other websites, both religious and secular. I have replaced the name of the newlyweds with “X and Y”, as well as any personal parts that they might be concerned with me posting online.

Call to Order
Welcome friends, families, and honored guests. Please be seated.

We are gathered here today to participate in a ritual tradition practiced in nearly every culture and creed throughout humanity – albeit in many forms and permutations — the formal declaration and celebration of marriage.

Today, X and Y proclaim their love to the world. They have invited each of you to share the public declaration of what has already been united in their hearts — to witness the beginning not of what shall be, but to celebrate and support what already is.

Today, we are invited to gather and rejoice with them as they commit to honor, cherish, and embrace each other, hand in hand, in their journey into the unforeseeable future.

Charge to Couple
All of you are present today because you, in one way or another, have been part of X and Y’s individual journeys. They thank each of you for your own journeys here today to be present in sharing in the joy of this precious moment. On behalf of the bride and groom, a hearty welcome to all.

Today we witness the beginning of a marriage that began with the connection of two nodes on the Internet. Their love has grown exponentially and reached toward the infinite. Innumerable factors have joined them together, adding to both of their lives to create something greater than that which existed before. And now, today X and Y become a set that is natural, sometimes complex, and occasionally irrational, but always real.

Readings
Reading #1

Reading #2

Officiant’s Address
Today, two among us now come together to declare their love and to be united in marriage.

Marriage is a bold step, taken together, into an unknown time and space. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be. Yet in marriage two people turn to each other in search of a greater fulfillment than either can achieve alone. Only in revealing themselves fully to one another, with no fear of rejection, but rather with the confidence of sharing their lives with another openly, can such closeness make their love richer and deeper.

Love enshrines and ennobles our brief human experience, providing direction and purpose to an unpredictable world. If life is indeed suffering, then love is its most cherished balm.

The words we say today have no magic or prophetic powers. Rather, these impermanent words are simply a reflection of a reality that already exists in the hearts and minds of these two people.

X and Y, nothing I can say, or nothing you can say to each other, will ensure a long and happy, satisfying and committed marriage. Only your love for one another, and your integrity to make your commitment real, can create a marriage of great beauty and delight.

I humbly offer the words of astrophysicist Carl Sagan, who, I believe, has captured the wonder of love and purpose of marriage. I hope you will keep these words upon your heart and refer to them again:

“The size and age of the Cosmos are beyond ordinary human understanding. Lost somewhere between immensity and eternity is our tiny planetary home. And yet our species is young and curious and brave and shows much promise. In the last few millennia we have made the most astonishing and unexpected discoveries. They remind us that humans have evolved to wonder, that understanding is a joy, that knowledge is prerequisite to survival. Our little planet floats like a mote of dust in the morning sky. All that you see, all that we can see, exploded out of a star billions of years ago, and the particles slowly arranged themselves into living things, including all of us. We are made of star stuff. We are the mechanism by which the universe can comprehend itself. The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth. We should remain grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides. The sum of all our evolution, our thinking and our accomplishments is love. A marriage makes two fractional lives a whole. It gives to two questioning natures a renewed reason for living. It brings a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life.”

Exchanging of Vows & Ring Ceremony
X and Y, remember that no ceremony can create your marriage; only you can do that, through your consent and cooperation. This ceremony simply declares and affirms the choice you have made to stand together as partners.

Remember that love – which is rooted in respect, trust, and acceptance – will be the foundation of your deepening relationship. Learn to appreciate your differences and strive to make the important things matter and to let go of the rest. Keep the vows you take here today, not because of any external authority, but out of a desire to love and be loved by another – and your life together will be joyful.

And now we come to it. Who will go first?

[Play RPS to determine order. Winner goes first.]

vows

The wedding ring is a symbol, in visible form, of the unbroken circle of your love, so that wherever you go, you may always return to your shared life together. May these rings always call to mind the awesome power of your love.

Two people in love cannot live, nor grow, in isolation. Their love is a source of strength with which they may nourish not only each other but also the world around them. And in turn, we, their community of friends and family, have a responsibility to this couple. By our steadfast care, respect, and love, we can support their marriage and the new family they are creating today.

Pronouncement
X and Y, in the presence of your family and friends who have joined you to share this moment of joy, you have declared your deep love and affection for each other. You have stated your wish to be together, always open to a deeper, richer friendship and partnership. You have formed your own union, based on respect and honor.

By the power of your love and commitment, and the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife!

As many of you know, it is also part of the prescribed rituals of the wedding-industrial complex that the newlyweds now kiss each other in front of an audience. But hey, no pressure.

Presentation of the Couple
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my privilege to present to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. X and Y!

Recessional